just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
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My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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