I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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