Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
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Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
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All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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