I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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