Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
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He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
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Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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