can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
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I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
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I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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