am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
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He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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