I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
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Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
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So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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