im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
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Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
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I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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