Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
there's paper in my vomit.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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