Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
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Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
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Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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