today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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