hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
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