They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
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It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
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The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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