It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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