I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
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So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
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Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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