You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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