i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
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We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
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I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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