There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
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There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
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I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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