i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
She bit a glass in half.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
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The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
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i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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