I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
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Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
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Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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