We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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