My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
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