Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
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His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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