I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
NoShamevember. You game?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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