The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
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you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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