I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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