he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
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I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
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Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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