this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
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smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
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I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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