Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
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I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
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well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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