Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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