I like to think it a success when the cops are called
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
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She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
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nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize