I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
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Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
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