My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
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Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
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This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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