You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
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I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
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Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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