my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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