What a fucking waste of an outfit
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
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mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
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Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
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