You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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