Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
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Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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