When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
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