I heard we made out
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
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and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
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Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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