I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
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maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
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I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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