White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
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The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
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