Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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