yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
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Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
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He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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