you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
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he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
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Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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