Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
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He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
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the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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