Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
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He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
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Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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