3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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