I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
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I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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